people can fake stuff pretty good, and for a damn long time. I know I can and/or have.

I mean some people will talk to me about different problems their having or whatever and I usually end up helping them pretty well. But of course they'll ask the obiligatory "How about you?" or something to that affect. And ya know what. To get a straight answer out of me you almost have to ask it more than once.

See the first time you ask it I'll be showing a front, to well..not let many through, cause it's hard for me. But if you ask more than once or ask sincerly more often than not I'll actually tell you what is bothering me. I just wish well..I actually knew more people who gave somewhat of a rats ass about me. Problem being I don't. So for the majority of the time I'm stuck with no way out to tell anyone about how'm feeling.

Take now for instance. I feel like utter crap. I mean I sit home all day, I want to get a job, but I'm so shy in that regard that I can't even go out and try to just get a 'normal' job. I don't know why but I feel like if I'm asking someone some place if they're looking or whatever, I get the impression that I'm a huge bother and so I rarely do it. The only jobs I've ever had were because friends I knew were able to help me get them.

And.

Well....basically I feel like my life and whatever I had planned for it are falling apart. Now I know you're sitting there thinking I'm full of shit and that I've got it good. I mean I've got parents who care a lot about me, they've got some money to help me out and whatever. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about college, and/or career plans. I mean shit, I almost flunked out of MICA, and to top it off I didn't really like it there. And yet that was my whole goal in life. To pursue art. I mean for fucks sake I can barely draw. I mean sure every so often I'll do one really good piece. But for the majority of the time I'm uninspired, and un talented. I mean take a look at the fucking picture to your left. That thing is so old, I did it in 97, and yet I'm still milking it for all it's worth. And fuck..I didn't even draw it origionally. Or well I did. See it was on the back of a "Scud:The Disposable Assassin" comic book. And I was like "Hrm..that looks cool. I'm gonna try to draw it." So I drew/copied it freehand and it came out good. But of course I kept on milking it and telling people I drew it. But I didn't really draw it, hell I kept telling people I did draw it cause I knew no one and their brother would know which number "Scud:TDA" it came from. So I'm a liar in that regard. And well..I dunno I mean I have somewhat artistic ability I guess or I really never would've gotten into MICA. But it's not that much...I mean for example. Senior year in HS. We, the seniors, we going to produce a senior art show or whatever. So of course my teacher wanted some of my stuff to put up. And I think I gave her like 2 things I actually made that year. The other stuff was my old sketchbooks filled with drawings I had done while looking at comic books. I mean gah...

And looking at my portfolio of stuff that I submitted to MICa. It was filled with 4 nude figures I had done during the summer pre-college at MICA, which I thought were pretty good and still like them to this day. But that's only 4 pieces. You need a lot more for your portfolio to one of the best arts schools in the nation. So I put in two or three of the comic drawings I had scanned into the computer and colored in. So that made like 6 pieces. For the rest I put in one photograph I had taken of my nephew. And that picture wasn't even random. I had purposely gone out and asked her to jump out of the pool so that I could get her coming out with a freeze-frame type effect. And only by luck it turned into a good picture. So again I milked that picture and used it to get myself into Photo 2 senior year after never having taken Photo 1. And guess what. I almost failed the damn class. Got a D in there only because i kissed the teachers ass and she happened to like me.

So I can't really draw or do art. And yet it's my 'goal' in life. And now having left MICA I sit around all fucking day wondering. I mean jesus I have no real skill. I can do a lot of things pretty good, but I can't do anything great and that's my damn problem. It's the same with sports for me, or anything.

So I have no real skill. And the one thing I want to do for a living I can't even do very well. So just what the fuck am I doing?

I have no clue. And that's the scary part. I just feel like I'm slipping down this trail that's leading to obilivion. I mean all growing up I was called the 'smart' one in the family. And yet here I've almost flunked out of school..already dropped out of one and I'm not sure I can transfer to another. And my sister, the supposed 'dumb' one is already out of school. Almost graduated with magna cume loude (or however you spell that) and already has a steady/decent job in the field she wants.

And here my parents think I don't want to go get a job. I do, I really do..I just find it really hard to go out and approach people that way. So I get yelled at daily for not trying to get a job when they've got no idea..so I feel like crap during the day and feel like crap at night. It's just an all crap-fest for me.

ps. yes i am working on the layout so please bear with me. it should be all fixed, for the most part, by tonight, sorry for the somewhat messed layout.

]:-scud-:[