lets see why i'm somewhat torn between what to feel.

like always i stay up late, knowing full well jess is supposed to get off work at 9pm [my time] so i stick around online waiting for her. 9 rolls around..then 10..then finally she comes around and says some stuff about the troubles with her mom. i mainly get frusted because her mom acts like a bitch sometimes and well..jess just sorts of takes it, when no one should have to. then..she makes a mere mention to not wanting to deal with 'everything' anymore..says it's too hard being tough. but i've told her time and time again that i don't expect her to be 'tough' all the time, only she does. and arg..i couldn't believe i even heard her mention dying. i thought..i don't know..i just never expected to hear those words out of her mouth.

but she goes back home and we keep talking for a minute or two..she mentions changing and then coming back to talk..two minutes later she's going off to play cards with her brother, and i'm left..alone, as per usual. and well after being sad these past two days and having that overtly 'lonely' feeling this just sort of tops the cake and i don't know..just tonight of all nights i had really wanted to just talk and i didn't get the chance.

come tomorrow she'll be working all day too..and well yes i know i can't expect to talk to her all the time everyday. i just wish i could talk to her for more than 20 minutes..

i'm tired, sad, and very lonely..that's what i'm feeling.

scud.