you know what sucks? falling in love with a person who doesn't know the meaning of the word. i think that is what happened to us. i am sorry that it took me so long to reply to you email, but i promised myself to refrain from comment until after i had the chance to read your entire erin saga. i finnally did yesterday, and matt, damn...i am sorry. no one deserves that. and i hope that comming from me you will know that it is sincere. i think we share a similar story, or at least a similar sense of betrayal. there is nothing worse than finding out that the person you gave your soul to is not who you thougt they were. there is nothing worse finding out that your entire relationship was based on lies. and there is nothing worse than knowing that the person you gave yourself to never knew the frist thing about the feeling you equated with the word "love."

i firmly believe that tons of people are in relationships just to be in relationships. they don't know what commitment is, they aren't capable of "loving" someone as they should be loved. you may dissagree but from reading you entries i think erin falls into that catagory. she doesn't know the first thing about loving herself, therefore it was impossible for her to even think of loving somones else.

i am not entirely sure where you are now, emotionally that is, with what happened. i read your entry about seeing her and i will tell you that you should not fret about your reaction. i KNOW that if i saw dana i would feel reflexive emotional responses and then after it happened i would not understand why i acted/felt that way. by all rights i do not care abotu him anymore in the least. i seriously still walk down the street to work everyday hopeing that dana or his father would drive by in that big tuck of theirs and see how good i look, and how happy ad confident i am. why do i feel this way? i don't know. in high school, i had this terrible crush on this guy who fucked with my head and whenever i would see a car that looked like his i would flip out. i don't anymore though....why? i think the answer is distance and time. i moved away from my home town, so i am no longer reminded of him everyday. now that i am still in the city in which i met dana i still am close!

to that "time" in my life, and i am reminded of it every single day.

what's is the point of my rambling? hrmmm....well you asked for email input so here it is. i don't think you need to worry about feeling the way you did when you saw erin. i think you have a lot of unresolved issues with her, and there was no real sense of healthy closure for you. do you feel that your mind has all of these lingering ideas and feelings that inevitably resurface whenever you see her or hear about her? if so, that is normal. i mean, you loved this girl for over a year. i would tend to think that there was something wrong with you if you DIDN'T have a reaction. you are human, you loved, and got hurt....i rememebr reading that you said there was a time when you held all the emotion in and just gritted your teeth. i don't know if you ever just let go and lost it....which would totally be acceptable. holding feelings in will only make them linger and grow.

and what do I have to say to that? It's true. damn near all of it and I highly agree with almost everything she says..and her point about erin not being able to love herself and thus it was impossible for her to be able to truely "love" me, was profound and it sorta shook me. I think...I dunno. I just think it's really true. Ok so that's my second part and I thank harbinger a whole lot for the e-mail..it means a lot to me..

]:-scud-:[