I see things she wrote to me...things she gave me..her picture..and I wonder..is she why I can't move on..why I can't make up my mind? Why I'm stuck...in limbo...

I wonder if I can't move on cause we broke so badly..so...harsh.

I...I just don't know..I want to know what's going on in her life..what she's doing. How school is...how her family is..just...anything. But...I....can't..

I'm so tempted to give her the url to here..to see what she'd think. Of all that I've written..namely the entries on her. I dunno..but after I e-mailed her last time I got like this I'm so hesistant. She was so bitter...so..jaded...but I don't know why..

I mean..she went from what we had..to what she kept telling me was a perfect relationship...so I don't really see how she could be jaded..but..it sure sounded like she was..

And then I wonder about you and you. and I wonder..one of you scares me..with..well..I'm not sure..maybe because the way you talk it sort of reminds me of how she used to talk to me and that scares me..a lot..something I'm not ready to deal with right now in my life..and the other..i'm the same really because you act like she did...god..i just don't know..i always thought everyone I dated after her would be measured against her..but I never thought this..that I'd see her in everyone.

I mean..I know I don't want to go back with her...not after all that happened..but I just want to know what's going on in her life..I can't just forget her totally..not after all we had been through..all we had done together. I really did think we'd end up with each other...but I guess not...

And now..now I sit here and am surrounded by a woman who..I feel totally comfortable around..like I could be with her for a long time..but she's never seen me in that light..and it makes me wonder. Just what if. Her family..hehe..what a goofy bunch they are...but they approve of me..her father actually likes me, which from what her mom tells me, is quite a feat in and of itself...

but..eh...she's not there..or she is. I mean we spend all sorts of time together when we're home from school...she sort of reminds me of erin too..but...not like anyone else has. I mean..we just have fun...no matter what we're doing...oh well..she's got someone for now and i'm cool with bein friends with her..

....

...

..

.

I just wonder...wonder what happened with him. what he did..changed in her...she was so awesome..so..her...and now..I have a feeling she'll just be a copy of him..and his ideals (which of course are slim to none save for his idolization of pot and beer) Which is sad really..because she had so much..and I think it just slipped away...gone for good because well..if she did shitty this year then there's no way she can hope to salvage anything for colleges and such.

oh well...

you win some..
and you lose some...

]:-scud-:[