And so many times plans fall through, things happen, and everyone stays right where they started. So I've begun to wonder if I ever will see her again. I wish I could, I really do. Just every time she mentions some other plan I have mixed emotions.

On one hand I'm excited cause she might be coming out here. On the other I'm worried because of all the times things have fallen through. And i hate getting my hopes up only to have them dashed, it's the worst [or one of] feelings.

I'm tired, I want to just be able to know she's down the street from me, or 20 minutes away. Not 30 some hours. I'm tired of getting my hopes up only to have them dashed. I'm tired of not knowing what she's thinking because she either won't tell me, or update her own page so that I have some inkling as to what she's thinking. I'm tired of having things I say mis-interperted and then having to play peacemaker for having her get upset at something I didn't say, nor did I imply.

Now you're probably asking "If you're so tired why don't you end it?" because of one simple fact. I love her, and thus I will put up with all sorts of crap because of that fact. I love her, even if she is doof sometimes, she's still my doof. But damnit, I am tired, both physically and mentally. I just want her here.

And then I wonder why I even get these feelings, of desire. They never come true, and so I always end up depressed for a bit. Repeate ad nausem, and you'll basically begin to see how an average month and a bit go for me.

You want to know what would make me the happiest? Of course you do..well it'd be if I were to just answer my door one day and out of the blue there she was. Not a phone-ahead message, nothing. Just her standing there on my doorstep. Then I'd be happy for good. Until then, it's the rinse and repeat cycle for me.

]:-scud-:[