I kept looking for it for a long time. And I got nothing, didn't get anything but dead ends and shit in my face. But then suddenly, I stopped looking..and out of nowhere she appeare and well. There was my happiness.

And everything else fell into place.

But her, she's the key, the one that matters the most to me. I can't even begin to explain how much she's changed in me and about me.

And I have every gotdamned intention of repaying her in full, plus interest first chance I get.

Basically..she's all I think about now. Hell now I'm wondering where she is. All I know is she's somewhere in central CA with her mom and brother having quality time. Which is really good because well, her mom's got terminal cancer..so the more time spent with her mom the better.

Hm...ok so I have another thought, or an idea/something (it's 4:50 gimme a break) and I know that one of the people involved will someday read this and I also know one or two of her friends will read this also. But ya know what..it is my diary and I want to write about what's on my mind. So I will.

Sex.

Mmm yes..that good old fashioned horizontal mambo. But it's not really the act so much as the thought, of it with her. I mean I know she's never done it, and I on the other hand have done it so many times I lost count.

And well I know some may think I'm crude for thinking about having sex with her. Afterall we've never met. But damnit, guys think about having sex with almost every woman they see/meet anywhere at any time in any given day. So of course I'm going to think about having sex with the person who I've fallen madly for.

So I've thought about it. And wondered, and hoped, and so on. But then I've also wondered about this.

Do I really want her first time to be with someone who she met over the internet and who well..she knows, but at the same time doesn't physically know. I mean in sex..that's the most important thing. You need to sort of know the other persons body inside and out before you ever do it for the first time. Otherwise you just can't do as good a job as is possible.

So I'm torn. Between really, really, really wanting to go over, or have her come here, and have some really amazing sex. Or do I want her first time to be with someone she only partly knows and who she'd be ashamed of retelling the story to whomever asks however long down the road. I mean come on saying "I lost my virginity to someone I met over the internet" never comes off good. And I don't really want to do that to her..I care about her that much. But..gah..I'm just unsure what to do.

]:-scud-:[