well i had one of those days today. lemme tell you it sure was a humdinger, in both respects too.

the good/bad day started out in a good/bad fashion. somehow during the night i managed to turn off my alarm so i totally missed my class this morning. this is good/bad. good because i didn't want to go, bad because i should've gone since i cant' afford to miss many of the classes. but whatever i missed the class so no going back now.

the a good thing happened, a really good thing. i finally got all those cd's i thought i was going to get yesterday. so now i've got a whole lot of really amazing music. some dave matthews stuff and a bunch of craig honeycutt solo shows, all three shows are simply amazing and are some of the best music i've heard in ages.

so i'm sitting here listening to some really amazing music and a friend started sort of 'rambling' but rambling to me..and about me. and he said a lot of true things. like why wasn't i making money with my web-design skills when other people who aren't as talented as me are. and i couldn't answer..because i don't know how to say my design skills aren't that great. i mean..my old layout, i didn't do andr� did; with some of my images that i then tweaked somewhat to work properly. and my cs-art site that i run..i didn't design, at all. i had friends do that for me..and so it sort of brought to the surface the fact that a lot of the things i "want" to do or "like" to do i'm not really that good at. and it also brought up the fact that well..i don't know how to put this into words.

i really don't want to try...i mean i know i should, but it's almost like..impossible for me. i don't know why, it just is. i think maybe it's because of the fact that i know i'm not super-good at any one thing. and..i don't know. it just sucks. so that was really bad, i mean it sort of messed up my mood big-time. because it brought to the surface my lack of giving a shit in school and most other stuff. i mean i should be going out and talking to the head of the math dept to fix a class, but i haven't, and i don't know when i will because i don't know. i'm just totally un-motivated, i know i was unmotivated at MICA before, but now i'm unmotivated because of the fact i feel like most of my classes are meant for a 7th grader, not someone who's a sophmore in college.

so then things were sort of good/bad in my head as opposed to the 'good' they were before my friend started talkin to me. oh and for the record lemme say he was extremly chill..i just wasn't expecting it. infact i got offline to sort of clear my head and he called me up right after i got off just sorta 'checkin' up on me. but needless to say i was then sort of off in left field, headwise, when my mom came home and we went out to buy the satellite system. which is definetly a good thing.

infact i managed to convince her to get the 'standard +' package with mtv, mtv2, vh1, commedy central, etc. and to also get the sports package with fox sports world that has all the soccer/rugby/etc that me and my dad want, and the speedvision channel which has my rally racing, gt-series racing and all other sort of motor-vehicle events, so needless to say i'm extremely fucking happy about that.

and that brings me to this moment. i'm still sort of teetering between happy and sad, confused and clear headed, etc. so it's really weird..i don't know..things are just sort of weird. i need some sort of way to clear my head for real..but not sure if i can go do that right at this moment, as the only way i knew of being able to do that was to go out driving for hours and hours on back roads doing like 110mph in Betty, but i can't do that right now for a few reasons but whatever.

so. to recap the story in a sentence. i'm confused, big time.

scud.