i had one attempt at this written part way before i was an idiot and hit 'esc' and it erased it. so now i try again.

basically it's almost a week later and i still don't know much about my car, just that someone may, or may not, have looked at it this morning. i have called my insurance lady twice today to see what the dillio is, and nothing. i guess this is the way insurance companies work.

that said, even all this bullshit isn't enough to dissway me from wanting to go out there. i want to go out there more than ever now, because ever since about friday morning i haven't felt right. i haven't felt..myself anymore. i move from either mycomputer, or my ps2 doing things to occupy my time and keep my thoughts busy because if they're not i keep thinking "she should be here, why isn't she here?" and getting sad and lonely.

i thought it might go away after a day or two, but it hasn't. which just proves to me even more how much i love, and want to be with her.

i guess you could say i'm also a big believer in the fact that i don't think good things come easy. they never have before in my life, and i don't think they're about to start now. before now i thought that the hardest part of all of this was going to be saving up, because i can't save money for shit. though looking back now i see it's easy, i stopped myelf from buying needless things and just put my money away until i was positive i had enough for decent hotels and enough left over to eat some nice meals along the way.

i also thought that maybe some of our fights were the hardest part, because when they're happening they're always terrible. you always leave them hurt and mad, but everytime in this relationship we've both come back to each other and admitted to our dick-ness and things have been ok. so that couldn't be it.

now i see that this, this is the true test of our relationship. this is the one thing that will test how much we really want this. and i want it so bad i can taste it. hell, i could fucking taste it thursday afternoon when i was standing in 90 degree weather sweating my ass off while an officer of the law wrote me a ticket for 'following too closely' in his nice air-conditioned car. i knew then that i wanted to get out of this fucking area, and out west with her than ever.

now all i have to do is become a dick to my insurance company to make sure things get done on time, and all my wishes can be granted.

the other thought that entered into my head allmost immedietly after the accident was that i was "due", because i believe that you live your life like a surfer in the ocean. sometimes you get big waves one after another and you think that life can't possibly get better. but then out of nowhere the waves die down and you're left with nothing, things are bad for a while because you can't do anything. and you can't have the good without having some bad at some point. when things are so terrible you just have to think that things will get good, because sooner or later the waves will pick back up. prior to thursday i hadn't had any 'bad' times, everything had been good, so now that i've gotten my quotent [and a big one at that] of "bad" out of the way i'm fucking ready to get with the good. because after this debacle i've got a helluva lot coming to me.

so bring it.