about the future, about the past, about damn near everything?

well if so, that's what i'm having today. i guess it's mainly the problem that i have sorta lost any direction in my life. and i wish i was like some of those people who have all these goals and know exactly how to get them and they've sort of planned their life out already. but that's not me. not even close.

ever since i got out of hs i've been well..unsure of damned near everything. maybe it's because i was always taught, or thought that you should experience as much as you could in life. and really in my mind to do that you can't have any direction, can't be one of those people set into one path that they'll follow until they die. and frankly i don't want to follow that crap, i mean..it just doesn't appeal to me. i'd rather be poor and have lived life, then rich and be stuck in some shitty job that i despise.

but because of that i'm not in a place where i'm somewhat unsure of what to do. should i go back to school and work, should i just work, should i just goto school, should i fuck it all and go off exploring the world [tho how i could do this on well..nothing, is beyond me]. or should i do something entirely different.

right about now there's only one thing i know i want to do. be with jess. because frankly i don't want to not be with her, to end anything we have because of whatever. i don't want to go the rest of my life wondering "what if.." i want to give everything i have to this relationship and to her. i want it to work..and i want to be with her. but how to do that..again is beyond me. i mean if she told me right now she wanted to be with me and that we could get some place to live out in ca, i'd pack my shit up and move in a heartbeat. but i know that's not going to happen...least not yet. so i'm still stuck wondering. and hoping.

but the thing that sort of compounds the whole issue of school/work/etc, is that i like doing so much stuff. almost too many things. and i'm pretty decent at a lot of them, but not super-great at anything, so that makes me pretty average for a lot of things. and that won't get me any sort of high-paying, interesting job. so i'm stuck to a certain extent, between a rock, and a fucking bolder.

scud.