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..? @ 2.20.2001
you ever had one of those days where you just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide from the world?

that's about what i have every day, because well..pip said it best when she said that when you have it good for a little while [by going away somewhere] and then come back to 'normal' like you're like "wha..why can't i have that other stuff..now that i've had it really good i see this isn't so great" but it also isn't so terrible either. but since you've had that good stuff it's all you want..even though like pip said, if you have the good stuff then eventually the good stuff turns into the 'normal' stuff..so you're sort of stuck. but still it's best to be around whatever made you happiest because then you can deal with the 'normal' stuff/baggage easiest.

i don't think i'm making much sense..but oh well i feel like writing nonetheless because i'm tired. i'm worried, and i'm scared. scared cause i don't know how to tell my folks i've stopped going to classes because i see nothing coming out of it, scared because i don't know what to do. and scared because i'm alone. but i think the thing that's well..freaking me out the most. i don't have any motivation to do well..much of anything, and i don't know how the hell to get it.

yes i should be 'motivated' to get back into school..but i'm not. hell i'm not even motivated to get a fucking job and get money. maybe it's this..the whole internet/computer/games crap. maybe i need to just shut it off for a good while and fix things on my end. maybe i don't.

i don't know what the fuck to do and the scary thing..is i have a girlfriend but i can't talk to her about some of these things because of well..a few things. mainly that she has a whole slew of her own problems/worries whatnot and mine are minor compared to hers but nonetheless i can't exactly bring them up cause it'll just cause her even more stress that she doesn't need. secondly..she's there, i'm here. and well i need someone who i can touch and who can look me in the eyes and tell me that it's allright even if it won't be. i just need something good right now that i can focus on so that i can get my shit together..but i don't know what that is.

scud.

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