Anyways, lately I haven't been happy very much. Jess can see it and has called me on it more than once. And I could never pin point it. I mean I'd be happier if she was here, but don't know if I'd really be happy.

Infact we were talking the other night and I told her that if she did move out here for school and to be with/near me, that I wasn't sure it'd work. Because really and truthfully I'm not. I mean no one can really say for certain about things like that. And I dunno, I was thinking about it and didn't want her to move out here and then have things not work. She doesn't know anyone around here, would have no place to go if it didn't work out between us.

but also..I dunno I'm getting that feeling again I'm wasting my life. I think it's because of NOVA, and well it's lack of challenging me. The other night it hit me that I applied to Nazarerth in Rochester. Then my brain got to thinking and was like "Hey idiot, apply there again". So I'm going to try to apply there again this for this fall. But that still means I have to attend NOVA for another semester.

Another reason why I feel like I'm wasting my life and time, is I have no decent job. I mean yes I might [and that's a big might] have a job at the pizza place still. But I don't really want to keep that job, sure it pays half-decent, but at the cost of Betty. And I know, know for damned sure, that if I keep driving there Betty will break down and then I'm fucked for sure. So I'm now looking for another job. And as my sister told me the other night, I'm always either just starting a job, or looking for another one. Which is well..partly true. I can't manage to keep a job for very long, mainly I think because i get bored with it and then stop going. The longest I had a job I believe was the temp job the summer before college started. I'd love to have a job doing something I actually like, like graphics. [Fatal there any openings down there?] I dunno, some friends of mine have told me if I'd be willing to reloacte [either to CT, or FL] I might be able to have a graphics job doing something..maybe I'll go for that. I've talked to my sister about taking a semester off and heading down there to work or something like that. She didn't think it was a half-bad idea. And I guess that's maybe why I'm unsure about Jess coming out here. Because say she did..and then I took this job down in FL. Then bam, she's again far away from me...or even if I attend Nazareth. I dunno..these are all big "if's" i know that for sure, but they are all remotely possible, so we have to think about them.

I'm just pretty gotdamned clueless right now. And thus, really very unhappy. Because the person I want and love is 2000 miles from me, I have no real decent job, my car is slowly falling apart, my school bites ass, none of my friends are around me, and i can't even fucking own in CS cause of my stupid gay non-fast access. I want these 'bad' waves to stop coming at me damnit..gimme the good ones now!

]:-scud-:[